I didn't manage to find my Christmas spirit this year until 630 am on the day itself when I sat Josh down in the middle of his presents and watched him look on with fascination at the bright wrapping papers.
After every nasty cold and cough germ decided to descend upon us all (more than once in my case) in the last month and my husband being away with work I really hadn't been in the mood. The icing on the cake was when I had to verbally restrain my mother in law from bombarding Josh with presents even though she had promised everyone was only getting a couple of things. I did it very nicely but was then worried sick I'd upset her (even though it was something I felt strongly about) and had ruined Christmas before it had even properly started. Then I forgot to take down her Christmas present for my husband which I thought would seal my fate as most hated daughter in law.
I needn't have worried as I'm still alive and in fact she came to my rescue today when I cleverly locked myself out of their house at 7 am this morning while Josh was sat on his own in his highchair in their dining room. Panic stricken and almost hysterical I was running round the house screaming in between banging on the front door as loudly as I could to try and wake someone.. anyone up! I knew deep down Josh would be fine but when I learned today that being physically unable to get to your child is a form of torture. God knows how it must feel if you lose them in a crowd. Let's hope I never find out.. maybe I'll order a set of reins now!
Panic aside, it turned out to be a lovely Christmas. There is definitely something more magical about the day when it involves children and I can't wait until next year when Josh will be running in to jump on our bed on Christmas morning to wake us up to see if Father Christmas has been.
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
Friday, 23 December 2011
The End of the Breastfeeding Era
Its official. My breastfeeding days are over. Since I last posted I persisted in trying to feed Josh for a little while longer but sadly to no avail. I think I already knew deep down that he'd already made the decision to move on but I hadn't quite accepted it as he was still poorly and I was hoping he'd just go back to normal.
The ridiculous thing was that I was thinking of starting to switch a couple of feeds to the bottle because he'd become so difficult to feed in public and because of those 5 new gnashers that have just come through but I wasn't ready to go cold turkey in the way that Josh seemed to be. I think this is just the first of many examples which I will have to steel myself for where Josh is going to be 1 step ahead of me and I have to play catch up. He's clearly decided that he's far too grown up to be nestled into the crook of my arm being nursed and that he much prefers to hold his own bottle and sit up, staring at everything which is going on.
Don't get me wrong, I know I've been let off lightly. I think I've been saved any guilt which mums must feel if they take the decision to stop when their babies want to carry on but nothing prepared me for how difficult it would be for me to let go. For 3 days I kept breaking down at random moments. It truly felt like I was going through some kind of grieving process but that's exactly what it was. Our babies rely on us a life support machine when they're inside us and breastfeeding is simply a continuation of that - its that total dependency which added to a powerful dose of hormones means we feel a strong sense of being needed. The loss of being needed is partly what I feel I've lost and also the fact that its another milestone which marks the end of the proper baby phase.
As each day goes by though, I'm starting to look on the bright side - I can wear whatever I want now and I shall go and buy myself a new wardrobe in the January sale! I can leave Josh for more than 3 hours without worrying whether or not he's refusing to take a bottle. My husband can help with the night feeds - which have also reduced from 4 to 2, so I'm finally getting some more sleep hooray! I can give him a bottle whilst walking around Asda instead of having sing Old MacDonald to keep him entertained until I can get to a suitable breastfeeding location. So there are lots of positives which I keep focusing on.
I count my lucky stars that I've had such a great breastfeeding experience and I really hope that I'll get to repeat it all over again if I'm fortunate enough to have another baby. Will it be such an emotional rollercoaster when I have to give it up all over again... probably but like with childbirth and stretch marks, its all worth it in the end!
The ridiculous thing was that I was thinking of starting to switch a couple of feeds to the bottle because he'd become so difficult to feed in public and because of those 5 new gnashers that have just come through but I wasn't ready to go cold turkey in the way that Josh seemed to be. I think this is just the first of many examples which I will have to steel myself for where Josh is going to be 1 step ahead of me and I have to play catch up. He's clearly decided that he's far too grown up to be nestled into the crook of my arm being nursed and that he much prefers to hold his own bottle and sit up, staring at everything which is going on.
Don't get me wrong, I know I've been let off lightly. I think I've been saved any guilt which mums must feel if they take the decision to stop when their babies want to carry on but nothing prepared me for how difficult it would be for me to let go. For 3 days I kept breaking down at random moments. It truly felt like I was going through some kind of grieving process but that's exactly what it was. Our babies rely on us a life support machine when they're inside us and breastfeeding is simply a continuation of that - its that total dependency which added to a powerful dose of hormones means we feel a strong sense of being needed. The loss of being needed is partly what I feel I've lost and also the fact that its another milestone which marks the end of the proper baby phase.
As each day goes by though, I'm starting to look on the bright side - I can wear whatever I want now and I shall go and buy myself a new wardrobe in the January sale! I can leave Josh for more than 3 hours without worrying whether or not he's refusing to take a bottle. My husband can help with the night feeds - which have also reduced from 4 to 2, so I'm finally getting some more sleep hooray! I can give him a bottle whilst walking around Asda instead of having sing Old MacDonald to keep him entertained until I can get to a suitable breastfeeding location. So there are lots of positives which I keep focusing on.
I count my lucky stars that I've had such a great breastfeeding experience and I really hope that I'll get to repeat it all over again if I'm fortunate enough to have another baby. Will it be such an emotional rollercoaster when I have to give it up all over again... probably but like with childbirth and stretch marks, its all worth it in the end!
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Breastfeeding...it's been emotional
Josh is a few days shy of 6 months now and I'd always said to myself that I wanted to breastfeed for 6 months. However as time has gone on I have fallen head over heels in love with feeding him. So much so I had decided to go on for as long as possible - although I was definitely not going to become one of those mothers whose top is whipped up in public by their 4 yr old! However the last couple of weeks has been a bit of a breastfeeding rollercoaster.
Ever since Josh got his 2 bottom teeth 3 months ago he has occasionally nipped me but nothing really bad. The pain really came recently when his top teeth have come through! As always I googled and learned about teaching "breast manners" and had been starting to educate my son! It wasn't really working though.
To compound the problem he seemed to bite more when he was distracted and he has become so easily distracted in public lately. Josh doesn't seem to know the meaning of sit quietly and trying to have a coffee and cake has become an exercise in holding onto Josh who is busily trying to clamber into his pram or pull things out of the changing bag. It's a good job cake is eaten cold!
I've had to get the point of trying to use as few words and sounds as possible in conversations while feeding him to prevent him pulling off me in public and destroying what little remains of my dignity.
So I have been contemplating trying to switch to a beaker while we're out and about in a minor attempt to begin what i wanted to be a looooooong process of winding down the breastfeeding.
Even thinking about that has had me in tears in the same way I was sat on my living room sofa morning after morning 3 months ago in tears because I couldn't cope with the 6 feeds a night Josh was demanding and didn't want to introduce formula. Fatigue and breastfeeding hormones go together like wine and spirits on a night out., should never be mixed!!
I decided to stop worrying as it stopping would be months off using my grand plan. However the best laid plans of mice and men and all that... Josh hasn't fed from me in 4 days now. He's had a really bad cold and has just gone off milk. In between worrying about him the fatigue and hormones have been kicking in big time.
After 4 days of very little milk taken only from a bottle he's finally drinking more milk today which is fantastic but it's still from a bottle and not from me.
Yesterday I was devastated by the prospect of him stopping breastfeeding but after some good sleep last night Im starting to wonder if this is a blessing in disguise. Stopping breastfeeding was always going to be hard but maybe this way it's simply taking Josh's lead which is what I've done all along, whether that's moving him into his own room (although I was in tears that first night - he might have been ready but not so sure I was!), weaning or any other key steps. I think I'd feel guilty if I took the decision to stop breastfeeding.
Even though that's some rational thinking on my part (impressive for me!), you can't think or make any decision when it comes to breastfeeding without feeling a huge wave of emotion. Maybe it's the hormones or maybe its because it's the last close unique tie we have with our babies - it's something only we can do, like carrying them around for 9 months. Maybe it's the fact that it creates really intimate cosy cuddly moments with them - I love that first feed of the night (before I've gone to bed!) when Josh is still half asleep and he comes off me asleep with warm chubby cheeks where he's been cuddled into me - I can never resist cuddling him close for a while before putting him back down to sleep. Will there still be little moments like that if he moves permanently onto a bottle?
Most significantly of all though is how am I going to continue to eat cake without that extra 500 calories a day allowance?!
I think I need to stop thinking about it and just see what happens in the next few days when he gets over this cold. Either way I did what I set out to do and feeding him these last 6 months has been such a lovely experience and if I'm lucky enough to have another baby I'll really look forward to breastfeeding again.
Ever since Josh got his 2 bottom teeth 3 months ago he has occasionally nipped me but nothing really bad. The pain really came recently when his top teeth have come through! As always I googled and learned about teaching "breast manners" and had been starting to educate my son! It wasn't really working though.
To compound the problem he seemed to bite more when he was distracted and he has become so easily distracted in public lately. Josh doesn't seem to know the meaning of sit quietly and trying to have a coffee and cake has become an exercise in holding onto Josh who is busily trying to clamber into his pram or pull things out of the changing bag. It's a good job cake is eaten cold!
I've had to get the point of trying to use as few words and sounds as possible in conversations while feeding him to prevent him pulling off me in public and destroying what little remains of my dignity.
So I have been contemplating trying to switch to a beaker while we're out and about in a minor attempt to begin what i wanted to be a looooooong process of winding down the breastfeeding.
Even thinking about that has had me in tears in the same way I was sat on my living room sofa morning after morning 3 months ago in tears because I couldn't cope with the 6 feeds a night Josh was demanding and didn't want to introduce formula. Fatigue and breastfeeding hormones go together like wine and spirits on a night out., should never be mixed!!
I decided to stop worrying as it stopping would be months off using my grand plan. However the best laid plans of mice and men and all that... Josh hasn't fed from me in 4 days now. He's had a really bad cold and has just gone off milk. In between worrying about him the fatigue and hormones have been kicking in big time.
After 4 days of very little milk taken only from a bottle he's finally drinking more milk today which is fantastic but it's still from a bottle and not from me.
Yesterday I was devastated by the prospect of him stopping breastfeeding but after some good sleep last night Im starting to wonder if this is a blessing in disguise. Stopping breastfeeding was always going to be hard but maybe this way it's simply taking Josh's lead which is what I've done all along, whether that's moving him into his own room (although I was in tears that first night - he might have been ready but not so sure I was!), weaning or any other key steps. I think I'd feel guilty if I took the decision to stop breastfeeding.
Even though that's some rational thinking on my part (impressive for me!), you can't think or make any decision when it comes to breastfeeding without feeling a huge wave of emotion. Maybe it's the hormones or maybe its because it's the last close unique tie we have with our babies - it's something only we can do, like carrying them around for 9 months. Maybe it's the fact that it creates really intimate cosy cuddly moments with them - I love that first feed of the night (before I've gone to bed!) when Josh is still half asleep and he comes off me asleep with warm chubby cheeks where he's been cuddled into me - I can never resist cuddling him close for a while before putting him back down to sleep. Will there still be little moments like that if he moves permanently onto a bottle?
Most significantly of all though is how am I going to continue to eat cake without that extra 500 calories a day allowance?!
I think I need to stop thinking about it and just see what happens in the next few days when he gets over this cold. Either way I did what I set out to do and feeding him these last 6 months has been such a lovely experience and if I'm lucky enough to have another baby I'll really look forward to breastfeeding again.
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Teething has a lot to answer for!
#1 - our recent frequent night wakings coupled with a dose of Josh not wanting to go back to sleep as easily as he normally does = tired Alice.
#2 - refusing to eat the wonderful mush that I am providing which instills a fear that Josh will wake up more at night - total rubbish seeing the weaning hasn't helped him sleep more but my illogical brain still worries that it could make the nights worse!
#3 - Rudolph the red cheeked baby who starts crying randomly for no apparent reason.
#4 - the fact that it goes on and on and on and on... although I know we are lucky that at least we can tick some teeth off the list of those to come through
This time around it's different from when we were waiting for the first teeth to come through - I haven't reached for the teething powders because I no longer have a very irritable baby who is constantly rubbing his gums with his fist, crying lots especially when he's hungry and wanting to feed from me. Instead I have a mostly very happy baby (except for the occasional unexpected outburst but these are rare) but just one who wants to bite down even harder than usual on everything in sight. Ah well, keep em coming - faster they come through the faster I can stop blaming the teething for him
still waking up lots at night.. I'll have to find something else to blame instead.
#2 - refusing to eat the wonderful mush that I am providing which instills a fear that Josh will wake up more at night - total rubbish seeing the weaning hasn't helped him sleep more but my illogical brain still worries that it could make the nights worse!
#3 - Rudolph the red cheeked baby who starts crying randomly for no apparent reason.
#4 - the fact that it goes on and on and on and on... although I know we are lucky that at least we can tick some teeth off the list of those to come through
This time around it's different from when we were waiting for the first teeth to come through - I haven't reached for the teething powders because I no longer have a very irritable baby who is constantly rubbing his gums with his fist, crying lots especially when he's hungry and wanting to feed from me. Instead I have a mostly very happy baby (except for the occasional unexpected outburst but these are rare) but just one who wants to bite down even harder than usual on everything in sight. Ah well, keep em coming - faster they come through the faster I can stop blaming the teething for him
still waking up lots at night.. I'll have to find something else to blame instead.
Saturday, 26 November 2011
Sleep regression
I thought we were going back to the dark days this week. Gone were my nice and consistent 10 pm, 2 am and 5 am feeds and in came a baby who wanted to feed 5 times a night and wake crying for unknown reasons
in between feeds as well. Its so frustrating when you know they can sleep for longer (even though in Josh's case it's still only a maximum of 4 hours but boy do I love those 4 hours!). I'm not sure what upset the apple cart but I'm hoping whatever it was will right itself soon. I can't go back to the zombie days!! Still I think I'm finally accepting that it's impossible to fathom the reasons behind changes in Josh's daily rituals - or at least I've accepted that trying to fathom them out adds to the frustration so it's easier to just not go there! We'll get there in the end, one beautiful day he will sleep through the night... hopefully.
in between feeds as well. Its so frustrating when you know they can sleep for longer (even though in Josh's case it's still only a maximum of 4 hours but boy do I love those 4 hours!). I'm not sure what upset the apple cart but I'm hoping whatever it was will right itself soon. I can't go back to the zombie days!! Still I think I'm finally accepting that it's impossible to fathom the reasons behind changes in Josh's daily rituals - or at least I've accepted that trying to fathom them out adds to the frustration so it's easier to just not go there! We'll get there in the end, one beautiful day he will sleep through the night... hopefully.
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Is routine such a good thing?
It wasn't until I poked my nose through Gina Ford's Contented Baby that I truly appreciated how much of a routine drill sergeant she really is. How on earth do you get your 4 month old (and by this stage very wilful and determined in my case) baby to sleep for 2 hours between the hours of 12 and 2 each day? What are you supposed to do when your baby is hungry at 2.15 pm but it's not feeding time until 3? No, Gina's routines were definitely not for me.
I laughed when any of my friends (especially the childless ones) asked me what time would be best to meet up to fit round Josh's routine. What routine?! We got up, Josh would eat, play, sleep and not necessarily in that order or indeed the same order during the days and every now and again I would manage to have a cold cup of tea. What more could a girl want?
Paradoxically for me (an avid spreadsheet queen and organisational control freak) I was happy just going with the flow and letting our days evolve around Josh and when he wanted to feed and nap. Unbeknownst to me, Josh had started his own nap routine but it wasn't until about 4 weeks ago that I realised. Since then I have been merrily putting him down to sleep at his self-designated times. To begin with I thought this was great - I had certainty each day and looked forward to hot-cup-of-tea-and-biscuit-time three times a day :-)
But I've been pondering lately whether having a routine is such a good thing. I seem to have gone from one extreme to another.
I've always followed the rule "never wake a sleeping baby" and for Josh it certainly makes him an even happier chap when he's had a lot of sleep but since realising when Josh likes to have his naps, I've gone a step further and started planning my day around them. I started having kittens if the plan for the day didn't work round his naps, scared that he would turn into some screaming monster in public who I wouldn't be able to quieten and he would never again sleep during the day. Ridiculous!
Whilst having a bit of a routine is nice (and somewhat unfortunately necessary I've found for the weaning process) I think it can be a dangerous thing too when you start clinging to it. It took a day out with one of my best friends (when Im ashamed to say I made her and her family plan their day around Josh's naps) to make me realise that there has to be a compromise when it comes to this mother-baby relationship. Babies need their sleep but we need our life too.
I laughed when any of my friends (especially the childless ones) asked me what time would be best to meet up to fit round Josh's routine. What routine?! We got up, Josh would eat, play, sleep and not necessarily in that order or indeed the same order during the days and every now and again I would manage to have a cold cup of tea. What more could a girl want?
Paradoxically for me (an avid spreadsheet queen and organisational control freak) I was happy just going with the flow and letting our days evolve around Josh and when he wanted to feed and nap. Unbeknownst to me, Josh had started his own nap routine but it wasn't until about 4 weeks ago that I realised. Since then I have been merrily putting him down to sleep at his self-designated times. To begin with I thought this was great - I had certainty each day and looked forward to hot-cup-of-tea-and-biscuit-time three times a day :-)
But I've been pondering lately whether having a routine is such a good thing. I seem to have gone from one extreme to another.
I've always followed the rule "never wake a sleeping baby" and for Josh it certainly makes him an even happier chap when he's had a lot of sleep but since realising when Josh likes to have his naps, I've gone a step further and started planning my day around them. I started having kittens if the plan for the day didn't work round his naps, scared that he would turn into some screaming monster in public who I wouldn't be able to quieten and he would never again sleep during the day. Ridiculous!
Whilst having a bit of a routine is nice (and somewhat unfortunately necessary I've found for the weaning process) I think it can be a dangerous thing too when you start clinging to it. It took a day out with one of my best friends (when Im ashamed to say I made her and her family plan their day around Josh's naps) to make me realise that there has to be a compromise when it comes to this mother-baby relationship. Babies need their sleep but we need our life too.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Embrace the squidge!
I'm not a vain person but I do feel like I am in a process of mourning my old body - not that it was a particularly great one, but it was one I had known for nearly 3 decades and I had grown used to and accepted the bits I didn't like. Now I have a new bit that I don't like, quite a large obvious bit in the form of my stomach which means my bikinis will be going in the next trip to the charity shop. The only advantage being that it makes the bits I didn't like before seem not so bad now!
If truth be told, I feel like I don't even recognise my stomach any more and 4 months on it still doesn't feel like its part of my body. Its not helped by the fact that I still have a large numb patch next to my caesarian scar which I don't hold up much hope of getting any better given the length of time which has passed. I can't bear anyone else touching my stomach and I can only just about stand to touch it myself - in fact I keep making myself touch it by rubbing in the bio oil to try and make the stripes disappear and to get used to it.
I keep telling myself that I will get used to my new stripey stomach but I think its going to take a while and buckets of bio oil in the process. Deep down I worry about going through the process again if we decide to have another baby. Will I reuse the old stretch marks or will I get even more? How can I get more stretch marks? There's no skin left on my stomach to stretch! Can you get stretch marks on stretch marks? Please God no!!
Aside from the numbness and the stretch marks, I do of course have a little baby pot belly but by contrast I'm actually quite attached to this new squidgy bit.
When I think of my own mum, I love her squidgy bits the most as those were the most comfy bits to cuddle into when I was a little girl. I think I'd be sad if my body came out of the 9 months of carrying Josh without some kind of badge of honour and for me that's my squidgy bits.
So despite the obvious war wounds
which I am still working on accepting, I love my new squidgy bits. They remind me of where my baby came from and I know they will be bits that Josh will love and want to cuddle into when he's older.
If truth be told, I feel like I don't even recognise my stomach any more and 4 months on it still doesn't feel like its part of my body. Its not helped by the fact that I still have a large numb patch next to my caesarian scar which I don't hold up much hope of getting any better given the length of time which has passed. I can't bear anyone else touching my stomach and I can only just about stand to touch it myself - in fact I keep making myself touch it by rubbing in the bio oil to try and make the stripes disappear and to get used to it.
I keep telling myself that I will get used to my new stripey stomach but I think its going to take a while and buckets of bio oil in the process. Deep down I worry about going through the process again if we decide to have another baby. Will I reuse the old stretch marks or will I get even more? How can I get more stretch marks? There's no skin left on my stomach to stretch! Can you get stretch marks on stretch marks? Please God no!!
Aside from the numbness and the stretch marks, I do of course have a little baby pot belly but by contrast I'm actually quite attached to this new squidgy bit.
When I think of my own mum, I love her squidgy bits the most as those were the most comfy bits to cuddle into when I was a little girl. I think I'd be sad if my body came out of the 9 months of carrying Josh without some kind of badge of honour and for me that's my squidgy bits.
So despite the obvious war wounds
which I am still working on accepting, I love my new squidgy bits. They remind me of where my baby came from and I know they will be bits that Josh will love and want to cuddle into when he's older.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)