Its official. My breastfeeding days are over. Since I last posted I persisted in trying to feed Josh for a little while longer but sadly to no avail. I think I already knew deep down that he'd already made the decision to move on but I hadn't quite accepted it as he was still poorly and I was hoping he'd just go back to normal.
The ridiculous thing was that I was thinking of starting to switch a couple of feeds to the bottle because he'd become so difficult to feed in public and because of those 5 new gnashers that have just come through but I wasn't ready to go cold turkey in the way that Josh seemed to be. I think this is just the first of many examples which I will have to steel myself for where Josh is going to be 1 step ahead of me and I have to play catch up. He's clearly decided that he's far too grown up to be nestled into the crook of my arm being nursed and that he much prefers to hold his own bottle and sit up, staring at everything which is going on.
Don't get me wrong, I know I've been let off lightly. I think I've been saved any guilt which mums must feel if they take the decision to stop when their babies want to carry on but nothing prepared me for how difficult it would be for me to let go. For 3 days I kept breaking down at random moments. It truly felt like I was going through some kind of grieving process but that's exactly what it was. Our babies rely on us a life support machine when they're inside us and breastfeeding is simply a continuation of that - its that total dependency which added to a powerful dose of hormones means we feel a strong sense of being needed. The loss of being needed is partly what I feel I've lost and also the fact that its another milestone which marks the end of the proper baby phase.
As each day goes by though, I'm starting to look on the bright side - I can wear whatever I want now and I shall go and buy myself a new wardrobe in the January sale! I can leave Josh for more than 3 hours without worrying whether or not he's refusing to take a bottle. My husband can help with the night feeds - which have also reduced from 4 to 2, so I'm finally getting some more sleep hooray! I can give him a bottle whilst walking around Asda instead of having sing Old MacDonald to keep him entertained until I can get to a suitable breastfeeding location. So there are lots of positives which I keep focusing on.
I count my lucky stars that I've had such a great breastfeeding experience and I really hope that I'll get to repeat it all over again if I'm fortunate enough to have another baby. Will it be such an emotional rollercoaster when I have to give it up all over again... probably but like with childbirth and stretch marks, its all worth it in the end!
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