Josh is a few days shy of 6 months now and I'd always said to myself that I wanted to breastfeed for 6 months. However as time has gone on I have fallen head over heels in love with feeding him. So much so I had decided to go on for as long as possible - although I was definitely not going to become one of those mothers whose top is whipped up in public by their 4 yr old! However the last couple of weeks has been a bit of a breastfeeding rollercoaster.
Ever since Josh got his 2 bottom teeth 3 months ago he has occasionally nipped me but nothing really bad. The pain really came recently when his top teeth have come through! As always I googled and learned about teaching "breast manners" and had been starting to educate my son! It wasn't really working though.
To compound the problem he seemed to bite more when he was distracted and he has become so easily distracted in public lately. Josh doesn't seem to know the meaning of sit quietly and trying to have a coffee and cake has become an exercise in holding onto Josh who is busily trying to clamber into his pram or pull things out of the changing bag. It's a good job cake is eaten cold!
I've had to get the point of trying to use as few words and sounds as possible in conversations while feeding him to prevent him pulling off me in public and destroying what little remains of my dignity.
So I have been contemplating trying to switch to a beaker while we're out and about in a minor attempt to begin what i wanted to be a looooooong process of winding down the breastfeeding.
Even thinking about that has had me in tears in the same way I was sat on my living room sofa morning after morning 3 months ago in tears because I couldn't cope with the 6 feeds a night Josh was demanding and didn't want to introduce formula. Fatigue and breastfeeding hormones go together like wine and spirits on a night out., should never be mixed!!
I decided to stop worrying as it stopping would be months off using my grand plan. However the best laid plans of mice and men and all that... Josh hasn't fed from me in 4 days now. He's had a really bad cold and has just gone off milk. In between worrying about him the fatigue and hormones have been kicking in big time.
After 4 days of very little milk taken only from a bottle he's finally drinking more milk today which is fantastic but it's still from a bottle and not from me.
Yesterday I was devastated by the prospect of him stopping breastfeeding but after some good sleep last night Im starting to wonder if this is a blessing in disguise. Stopping breastfeeding was always going to be hard but maybe this way it's simply taking Josh's lead which is what I've done all along, whether that's moving him into his own room (although I was in tears that first night - he might have been ready but not so sure I was!), weaning or any other key steps. I think I'd feel guilty if I took the decision to stop breastfeeding.
Even though that's some rational thinking on my part (impressive for me!), you can't think or make any decision when it comes to breastfeeding without feeling a huge wave of emotion. Maybe it's the hormones or maybe its because it's the last close unique tie we have with our babies - it's something only we can do, like carrying them around for 9 months. Maybe it's the fact that it creates really intimate cosy cuddly moments with them - I love that first feed of the night (before I've gone to bed!) when Josh is still half asleep and he comes off me asleep with warm chubby cheeks where he's been cuddled into me - I can never resist cuddling him close for a while before putting him back down to sleep. Will there still be little moments like that if he moves permanently onto a bottle?
Most significantly of all though is how am I going to continue to eat cake without that extra 500 calories a day allowance?!
I think I need to stop thinking about it and just see what happens in the next few days when he gets over this cold. Either way I did what I set out to do and feeding him these last 6 months has been such a lovely experience and if I'm lucky enough to have another baby I'll really look forward to breastfeeding again.
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